literature

Critique, please?

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CelestialAura's avatar
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Literature Text

Lucion had stopped talking, for the act had become quite tiresome. He dipped into a sense of desiccate naught, royal blue irises gradually losing their analytical and physical luster. It was a tempting notion to simply slip beyond caring anymore into the arid desert of “Que sera, sera”. Sadly, his mind prohibited this; it was his one desire to live, however fruitless this life might prove to be. His unconscious will to survive and achieve what fate bestowed him was, unfortunately, undying. Instead of embracing numb silence as he so wished, his mind instead assumed and conveyed the words on his tongue into thoughts. His brain would literally become a cesspool of multitudinous opinions, ideas, worries and sentiments that were arranged in no order, and such disarray only served to torture him.
This process sent him spiraling downward once again into his pool of angst and he lost for a moment contact with the present.   

Fortunately Lucion was jerked from this inner turmoil when a sudden alien terror swept over him in a subtle wave. Like applying physical pain to distract one from another stimulated area, he became entranced by Cade’s quivering foundation, wide eyes reflecting a world that was beyond all imagination. He wanted to reach out, but his heart had slowed so much that the earth’s rotation seemed to drawl into a sluggish andante. The command his mind sent for his arm to move didn’t reach its destination in time, for the target of Lucion’s dull fascination was lost. The image was beyond him, its remnants a fading blur in his memory.

Lucion’s lips parted dumbly, as though astonished by his failure to achieve what he had halfheartedly desired to accomplish. Like the flash of a thermonuclear bomb, his world was sent spinning again by the realization that Cade had indeed left his side. He rose to his feet, dragged down by the nauseating vertigo caused by the sudden acceleration of his surroundings. The late juvenile nearly stumbled following a trail of footsteps that disappeared the moment they fell into range.
Other footsteps accompanied his, along with voices that seemed to be variations of one another.

A sudden yelling further shook him. Lucion found that he could only stare at the back of a head of brown hair that was moving so quickly that the body seemed to be having trouble keeping unison. Suddenly a blaze of white smeared the tentative figure in motion, somehow disturbing Lucion’s inner equilibrium and deterring him to cast his eyes to the floor. Discomfort displayed itself freely on his face in this moment of weakness, something that he would come to personally regret when his normal frame of mind reestablished itself.

Someone was now looking at him, their lips moving. The words struck his absent stupor down and he once again became aware. All at once every muscle tensed and Lucion assumed his natural straightness.

“Yes ma’am.” He replied shortly, as though he had just been completely conscious of everything that had occurred. Lucion grabbed Cade’s hand and lead him out of the room.
Umm..Yesterday, as part of my new "do my absolute best without worry" movement, I spent about an hour and a half typing up a Lucion scene in my head. D:
Basically what's happened is that Crystal, Cade and Lucion's friend, has gone comatose and Cade is figuring out that it's his fault. Cade was punched earlier in the stomach by a kid with super strength9the setting is in a gifted school), so he's in the infirmary. Lucion wanted to visit Crystal, but couldn't find her. Instead he's trying to comfort Cade, who Lucion is afraid might go psycho again and hurt someone or himself.
The fact that Crystal might die is enough to bother Lucion because if she dies than that's it for him, because she's the "Light" in the prophecy that regards his position as a Death Bringer(a sort of reaper that kills people while the his body sleeps who have lived too long or have no will to live). If she's gone then when he kills the last person he needs to, he will disappear completely, as if he never existed.

Cade did indeed become unstable and left, running to Crystal's bedside and trying to shake her awake because he's a "good boy" and that "He never meant to do anything bad" (when he hurt her he was in one of his half concious states that is similiar to a dream). Nurses apprehend him, sedate him and tell Lucion to take him to his room.


Anyway, if that's wasn't a completely horrible explanation that only served to confuse you further, please critique this. Grammar, spelling, use of vocabulary, flow, etc. I'd really appreciate it.

Lucion- Me
Cade/Crystal- Amber
© 2009 - 2024 CelestialAura
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ShoujoKitsuneYasha's avatar
I can't critique this. x3 The only thing I can say was that it was pretty hard to follow, but that's partly because I don't have much background information. But still.
x3 I love your ideas, Morgan, and you write very fancily. Oh, I guess I'll critique again: Just to say, if you write fancy all the time, the reader will have a hard time being sucked in. Just a thought.

However, other than those two things, it was very well written and I enjoyed it. You have a vivid imagination (I'm envious) and it was entertaining. <3 I loved it, Morgan.